The real truth

So it’s been awhile since I’ve posted and it’s because the cancer finally hit me. It’s been hard wanting to talk to everyone like I have been when the truth is, I’ve lost all this positive hope I had. Cancer fucking sucks. And it’s draining me. I’ve wanted to give up more than I ever have in life the past few weeks. I got sick with a cold and then from there I just never got better. I keep getting sicker. I was to a point of not being able to care for myself anymore, I’m still not able to due to a recent hospital visit because I had a seizure. They are pretty sure it’s unrelated to chemo; but I was without meds too long when I called my doctors office on repeat for 4 days then had a seizure because I was without for so long. Ended up spending the night in ER because of it. Now I can’t be alone and it’s terrifying. So I moved in with my dad so I could have help everyday because I couldn’t even lift my head the first day here I was so sick. Cancer symptoms aren’t a joke. I seem to have every damn one it feels like. Then my insurance wouldn’t cover my PAIN medication so I just spent so much money yesterday just so I could function. Cancer has made me angry. And mad at the world for giving it to me. And if you made it this far, I did receive good news that my tumor is shrinking. Which is awesome. Gives me the smallest amount of hope that I’ll make it to the end of this. All I know is I am not ready for round 4 of chemo. Not ready in the slightest way because it’s going to continue killing me, letting me do less and less when I just want to live and be 23 and raise my son. The truth about having cancer is I hate being bald. I miss my hair. I miss my life. I miss it all. I miss the stress even. Regular normal stress about work. Not stress that my bloodwork won’t be good or my petscan is going to look good. Cancer changes people. This will make me stronger I know. But right now I feel the weakness. I feel the true bad things about cancer. I feel it all. If I didn’t have the support system I have I wouldn’t be making through this I’m sure. Or a beautiful son who keeps me thriving. I will make it to graduation. I promise Noah. And his father has been such a huge help during all this. Being a rock for me in this rough time. Then my family and friends are what keep me smiling. Thank you everyone for going through this with me and not letting me ever feel alone. I’m just mad at the world. I’m just pissed cancer exists. And I’m pissed I somehow had everything going for me for once and cancer decided to ruin it all for me. I had the job I worked years to get just to have to quit. Like there’s just so much more than just having cancer. It’s everything that happens because of it. Thank you for reading.

4 thoughts on “The real truth

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  1. I know how difficult this all is, keep taking it 1 day at a time. All of my side effects were the worst after round 3 but the last 3 rounds were easier than the 1st 3. I’m so glad that you have the support of your family and your son’s father! Their support and love will help get you through this. As for your hair, mine wouldn’t take perm for the life of me before chemo now I have naturally curly hair. Maybe you’ll get the hair you always dreamed of when this is all done! Sending continued prayers and love!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know things are tough right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel and hearing the tumer shrunk is the light you are on the way to recovery keep up the fight you are tough and you will make it to the end

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