Before I begin my blog my friend Amber created a gofund me for me! Here is the link and know that anything and everything is appreciated. I’m just still struggling with getting state assistance and I still have bills and a little boy to support so even a share helps ♥ :
So I’m sure you all are waiting patiently for an update about chemotherapy round 4; but it’s only day 2 and it’s kicking my ass already. My body is like fighting a war with itself, and that war is me just getting out of bed or showering. It is so exhausting. I have to take breaks and sit down and breath because I get short of breath, it’s truly miserable that this is even legal to do to people. Or the fact that its legal to break the body down this much, just to heal and become better. It’s crazy. I think it’s all becoming more real to me by the day that I really am a cancer patient. My body is telling me more and more every day. Like my feet are all blisters and peeling all of a sudden. And my vomiting is getting worst, even with medications. I feel so sick. Like I’ve been hit by a bus or something. I wish I felt the way I did in the beginning; nice and positive and healthy still. I’m officially unhealthy now and I think that’s what is bothering me so much. I’m not a stand body, I love being busy. I love taking my son places like the park, and since the end of round 3 of chemo I have been in the worst shape I’ve ever been in. Even pregnacy wasn’t this bad. I’ve never felt so much pain physically and mentally. Like what this has done for my emotional health is ridiculous. Watching all my loved ones watch me be a zombie because of my meds, or running to the bathroom to get sick. I hate having people see me like this. This isn’t me, I don’t feel like myself anymore and I hate it. I want to be the person I was, who could be there for my family, my exboyfriend, my friends. Like it makes me feel like a total failure everyday, and then being reminded that I’m not the same is even worst. I know I’m not the same. I have a fucking tumor. I have cancer and what comes with that is this. Sickness. Homebound. I had a seizure about a week or so ago due to being without one of my medications that I repeatedly called for 4 days about. That 4th day I had a seizure causing even more craziness then I’m already going through. So now I have to be with someone at all times. I’m legally not allowed to drive for 6 months if you have a seizure even on medication. The scariest part is I was just driving before the seizure, maybe 5 minutes after I got out of the car I had the seizure. Like death is around every corner making life terrifying. I don’t even want to go to the store because if I get sick again like I was a few weeks ago, I won’t make it. Like everything I have is just being taking away from me and I hate it. Cancer is really one of the worst things someone can go through. I never ever thought it was this bad, but it’s because not everyone will tell you the scary and bad parts. It’s not something we like to talk about because we hate it so much.
I’m very lucky to have my Dad and his girlfriend Lisa during this rough time, they took me in without even second guessing it. So now Noah and I are living with them temporarily until I can physically be healthy enough to raise my son. Lisa is also a breast cancer patient; we got out results a week apart so we’ve been going through this together since the beginning. It’s nice living with someone who knows how I feel and what I’m going through. It sucks but we aren’t alone through it and we have each other to vent and cry to each other about our bad days. So it’s been comforting living with them. I’ve had days recently I couldn’t do anything but sleep because my body is fighting this tumor so hard. And there’s nothing I can do about without being a zombie if I don’t sleep. I hate it, it makes me feel like such a failure as a mom not being able to do all I could 2 months ago. What that does to me mentally sucks. Because my son is my everything, he is the reason I’m fighting so hard. He’s just so little and so unaware of everything and it hurts. I’m glad he doesn’t know mama is sick but I wish I could explain why mama isn’t helping as much as papa and nana lately. I’m trying to be the best mom I can be, but damn this cancer is really effecting me to the extreme. I’m not sure how much more my body can take. I have 2 more treatments I keep telling myself that I will get there but then my body is telling me otherwise. Then just to find out I may end up having to do radiation too. Like my tumor is shrinking. Significantly. So I know it’s working. But maybe it’s working too much lol. I’m so ready for this to be over. I love my support system though. They have been there every step of the way and I’m blessed I have such good people in my life who care so much for me. It makes it hard having all these people caring for me, knowing this is hurting them too though. I see the hurt in their eyes every time they look at me. I know how much I mean to them, and they mean the same to me. But we never asked for cancer to just pop up in my life. And we all know that, it just sucks. I wish this never happened and life could have continued but I believe this will make me stronger, stronger than I ever have been after everything I’ve been through. So there is hope, just these sad cloudy days in the hospital get depressing and makes you think about everything.
So I’ll blog more throughout this week that I’m here but here’s whats going on. I’m sure not much will change but I’ll be hanging in there. Resting and relaxing trying to get better for all of you, and myself.
Here’s some pictures from recently: