So basically after I completed my last blog post; I changed. I finally got hit with a bus called cancer. I finally felt all the symptoms I tried to prepare myself for.. but there was no preparing for what had happened. My body wanted to shut down. So to begin, I did one more round at the hospital of the original chemo EPOCHR that you all knew I was taking. Well; it made me so sick and I was having symptoms I shouldn’t have. So the doctor decided to change my regimen to RCHOP and that was outpatient so that meant no more hospital visits! The doctor told me if I were to have one more EPOCHR treatment it would have killed me, so with that I followed the doctors recommendations. So I completed 1 round of RCHOP as an outpatient, so that brought me to 5 rounds of Chemotherapy. Then I had a petscan, the doctor got me so excited stating that it could have been my last round of chemo and everything. But then once that petscan came back; everything changed again. He saw no improvements from my previous scan, meaning a change in treatment again! Now I’m back to hospital stays to do 3 rounds of a new (for me) chemo called hyper CVAD. Currently here at the hospital now, getting the first round of the 3 he want’s me to do. Then once this is complete it will be followed with a Bone Marrow Transplant. Not the news I wanted to hear in the slightest. So that is my treatment plan as of now. I know the end of the week I won’t feel this way, so I figured to blog it all out before I’m too exhausted to.
As for how I’m feeling, I’m not handling this like the old me may have. I have my fears. I have to create a will at 23 to even get this procedure and before you tell me it’s standard for most procedures; I already know that. But I never imagined at 23 I’d be creating a will. Then in the meantime my stable household became unstable, causing me to move again. Then a friend and I decided it was time to part ways. Unfortunately. I’m sure it’s for the best anyways, doesn’t mean it still not hard losing someone you once cared about. People come into your life for reasons, and they also leave for reasons. I blame it on myself, because I did push them away. But that’s what I do. Everyone I love and care about knows this happens to me when the world becomes so heavy that I can’t hold it up anymore. It wasn’t personally; I do it to everyone. Am I proud of that? Not in the slightest. Is it one of my worst traits, absolutely. But nobody is perfect, and I can’t fake it. I still wish the best for them, but it’ll be easier this way. I can’t hurt them anymore. So this is it. And that’s the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, I’m already dealing with enough hurt in myself.
I’ve felt myself changing into a new person; they weren’t joking when they said cancer changes you. I want to be happy, and I’m going to do everything it takes for me to get there. Enjoy the little things. Appreciate the people who are still there no matter what. It may only be a select few, but that’s my few. I couldn’t be more blessed with a support system that does everything they can to make my life easier. Those who haven’t let me give up, even when I beg them to let me. They push me harder. They remind me why I’m doing all this. Living with cancer is no fucking joke. No matter how many medications I take, I’m still struggling. But one day at a time; and I’ll get there. 2020 has shown me a lot. I feel myself growing. Accepting my fate.
But I am mostly grateful for my grandma Cathy, my Uncle Jay, Gavin (Noah’s father) and then my best friend Faith. You guys haven’t given up on me yet, and I could never thank you enough to keep pushing me. To keep me going. It may drive me crazy some days, but in the end. I always realize you all are right. And this is only temporary and together we will get there. TOGETHER ❤
Here are some goals I’ve set for myself:
- Be a better mom
- Be a better other half- work on taking my bad moods on anyone but Gavin
- Watch Faith give birth to her beautiful baby girl, and be the support she needs
- Beat Cancer before Noah’s 2nd birthday party
- Find a mentor to help on the bad days
- Try to stop stressing about things that haven’t even happened yet
- Try to move more, even if its painful.
- Try to get back to the positive self I used to be
- Stop begging people to be in your life- their gone.
- Find new coping skills, Maybe try reading more often.
- Be the best person I can be; flaws and all. Focus on myself.
- Find happiness & not just in people. I need to reevaluate what I can do to make myself feel better.
- Don’t let negative words affect you, as those are the least important.
And if you’re still reading, some positive things have happened recently! Noah, Gavin and I went to see some Christmas lights. Hearing Noah say whoa and so cool the whole time was perfect. I got to be apart of my best friends gender reveal! I could have cried like a baby, but all I could do was smile and think of what the future brings. Noah had a great Christmas! It was amazing seeing his little face light up when he seen all of his toys. My mom’s side of the family decorated their cars in Christmas things to deliver the gifts they brought since Covid, the family decided not to do Christmas this year. I got some very meaningful gifts that I will always cherish. These are just a few positives that have happened lately ❤
As for the symptoms part of my blog:
depression and anxiety are getting worst day by day, even with medication. My hot/cold flashes are still in full effect. Chemo brain to the max. Nightmares and not being able to sleep much lately. Headaches are occurring more. Weakness when I walk or do anything. It’s getting harder to do what you may think is simple, but takes so much energy out of me. Fatigue to the max. Nausua. Lack of appetite. And the list just keeps going. 😞 I hope I look back at this blog one day and say wow. I was weak, but the strongest I ever had to be. So here’s to 2021. Let’s cure this. 💚
Thank you for reading and for the constant support from each and every one of you. I love your positive messages and thoughts. It’s nice knowing I have many people rooting me on. I love you all 💕🥰