So here I am rewatching all of Greys Anatomy. I don’t feel tired tonight, I just keep thinking about life and everything that comes with it. Life changes in the matter of seconds. And I hate that factor. I have lived a life that many should have never had to live. But yet I was so strong and positive. I had everything I could want, right before my diagnoses. Life was finally going my way, and I worked so hard for it. Now I’m in the biggest battle I never expected to fight. At least right now in my life, I just had a beautiful baby boy in July 2019. I loved being a mom, it was simply my favorite part of myself. And now, I struggle taking care of myself, let alone my 1 1/2 year old who is full of energy. I’m slowly deteriorating. It’s like each day a task that was so simply easy, takes everything I have to do it. I’m worried for what 2021 is going to bring me. I have to get a Bone Marrow Transplant, and since I’ve received those news I’m just a huge stress ball full of emotions. I hate cancer more than anything. I keep reading success stories, yet none of them are similar to mine. That freaks me out. For them it was one chemo then possible radiation, very few had the BMT. I keep having nightmares to a whole new level. Cancer PTSD is real, I don’t care what anyone says, chemotherapy, doctor visits, so much bloodwork and needles, shots, petscans that hold all the answers, other testing, having to plan child care with minimal people I even trust to take care of my son. The stress of the days when I still have to wake up and be mama, even though all I want to do is sleep. Spending most of my time in the hospital alone due to covid. Not being able to go many places because of covid. Like the doctors do not prep you for all these factors. I don’t know if they just like to pretend they don’t exist or what. But all my doctor does is tell me my next steps, then I have to figure out a plan on how it’ll even happen. The depression and anxiety that comes with being a cancer patient also is something they don’t prep you for, just refers you to the social worker of the hospital. I hate not seeing my son for these days. I hate not being able to visit my friends or family often because of my immunity. I hate not being the fun mom who dances all day and plays with my boy cause it physically hurts to even sit on the ground. I was thriving, I used to be able to work an 8 hour shift, then come home and be mom until bedtime. I loved it! I could even stay up after he would fall asleep for me time. Now any chance I get I’m sleeping when he is. Or having someone watch him so I can sleep. I just miss the old me the most. I was fun, and had simple things to stress about. But I’m working on bringing that girl back, even during treatment. Cause honestly I gave up on myself lately. I don’t even want to shower, or do laundry, even eat. But I need to get rid of that mindset that I can’t. I need to do more. Or else I’m going to keep falling apart. It’s time to see silver linings again. It’s time to smile more. It’s time to move on from things that were holding me back. It’s time for me to put some dirt in the hole I’ve dug myself into and climb out. And I know now everyone who’s in my life, is there. No more questioning. I’m not quite sure how I’ll do this, but shoot I have to! I deserve better than what I’m giving myself. I know I can do it with the help of my two best friends. They can help me get there, especially when I don’t want to. There is so much life to be lived, and so many things I want to do. I need to get it out of my head that cancer isn’t a death wish, it’s curable, it’s temporary, and I need to realize this is just an obstacle in my life that I will get through. Just like every other hard obstacle I’ve been through. I will get there, I know it. I just need to find more time for me. ♥ So that’s my late night thoughts for tonight, gonna relax now and just take it one day at a time.