Just some thoughts.. Blog Update 3.22.20

Well today I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. What they don’t tell you about cancer is what recovery from chemo might be like. For me it’s been a new battle. I’m trying to be the best mom I can be, yet being that mom is SO hard while I feel like utter shit. The pain I STILL have is almost unbearable and I have no idea what to do about it. I hurt everywhere. And my son just wants to play outside and we have done it everyday but today I’m really really feeling all the muscles today. If I could just lay in bed for a full day straight I would. But instead, my lack of sleep and ability to not sleep while he’s sleeping is hittiing me hard. I wake up way before he does, then when he’s napping I’m wide awake. So where does that leave me? Exhausted. Being a mom before cancer was hard, but with cancer is much much more difficult than I’d ever imagine. Every diaper change, I’m hurting. Every bath, I’m hurting. Like when will this pain go away? When can I live a normal life again? Feels like never. I have a petscan coming up that determines my fate. That is scary alone. I’m also beginning PT and I’m scared. I’m already in so much pain just from walking and lifting my son. What will PT do for me? I’m just a big jumble of a mess as a person. I know most of you view me as strong, but I feel the opposite, I feel weak. And depressed because I’m not even much better than I was. I’m making the slowest progress it feels like.  And all this doesn’t even include the personal problems I have in my life right now. Sorry this is just one big complaint. But I’m tired. Tired of fighting this battle day after day hoping the next I feel better. All I have to say is cancer sucks. And if you know anyone going through this, give them hugs and help. I know I could use a break. But all I would do is sleep. So thats my thoughts on today. Please bring me better days. Bring me a more positive mindset. 

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